You're an aspiring digital overlord in 2025, standing proudly over a half-broken Wix site with a dream in one hand and a single keyword stuffed into every other paragraph like it's 2007. You think you're optimizing. You're not. You're decorating a MySpace page and hoping Google’s AI doesn’t notice.
Let’s get something straight-SEO is no longer about tricking the system. It's about not embarrassing yourself online. And guess what? Most of you are failing spectacularly.
I bundled every single resource, template, and downloadable from my entire site into one gloriously ZIP file
On-Page SEO
You’ve got your website. Congrats. Now what? Apparently, your idea of “content strategy” is throwing together 600 words of vague nonsense and slapping a keyword on it like a sad little bow.
On-page SEO is where we separate the digital toddlers from the grown-ups. It's not just about shoving keywords into places they don’t belong. It’s about having content that actually says something. That helps someone. That doesn’t make the reader question their life choices halfway through your H2 about "solutions for scalable synergy." No one Googled that. No one will Google that.
Also, your headers? They need structure. Your paragraphs? Need oxygen. Here's how to use headings to trick readers into reading more. And your meta descriptions? They should sound like an invitation, not a post-it note. You're writing to a human, not reciting spells to summon the algorithm gods. Get it together.
Off-Page SEO
Let’s talk popularity, because yes-Google’s watching who’s linking to you. And guess what? If you’re only linked on your cousin's blog about antique spoon collecting, you’re not building authority-you’re setting your rankings on fire.
People link to what they trust. To what they use. If no one’s linking to you, it’s not a conspiracy. It’s probably because your content is more recycled than the average Starbucks cup. Want links? Be interesting. Be useful. Say something real. Or better yet-say something others are too scared to say, but that you can back up with receipts.
Stop begging for backlinks like a knockoff influencer and start creating the kind of content that makes people go, “Damn, I wish I wrote that.”
Technical SEO
Now onto the guts of your site-the stuff you claim is your developer’s problem while your page loads slower than a pigeon with vertigo. If your site takes more than three seconds to load, you're losing traffic like a colander loses soup.
Google doesn’t care how poetic your homepage is if it chokes on JavaScript and images bigger than your ego. You need a site that loads fast, looks good on a phone, and doesn’t shift around like it’s possessed while someone’s trying to read your headline.
Core Web Vitals? Not optional. Schema markup? Not optional. Mobile-first design? Absolutely not optional. If your site reads like a panic attack on iPhone 8, you deserve to rank on page 46.
Local SEO
You run a coffee shop in Milwaukee and your site doesn’t mention Milwaukee once. Are you allergic to success?
Local SEO is the friend you ignore until your competitor outranks you for your own business name. You need to show up in local listings. You need your Google Business Profile to be more than an abandoned placeholder. You need photos that don’t look like you took them with a flip phone underwater.
And those reviews? Respond. Every single one. Even if it's Sandra complaining her latte was "too frothy." Smile through the digital pain and engage.
E-Commerce SEO
You’ve got products. Cool. Now why does your product page read like a ransom note written by a bored intern?
E-commerce SEO isn’t about throwing a SKU and a pixelated image on a white background and praying to Jeff Bezos. It’s about building a page so damn good, your customer feels like they’ve already bought it. You need words that convert, images that load fast, and pages that don’t crash when someone tries to filter by size.
Also, write descriptions like you know what the product is. If you wouldn't describe a t-shirt as "red cloth torso cover with sleeves," then don't do it online. Better yet, hire someone who can write copy that doesn’t scare customers away. I accept cash, credit, and eternal gratitude.
Video SEO
Look, if you're going to make videos, they need to do more than exist. You can't just film a 12-minute ramble about "thought leadership" and call it a day.
Your titles need keywords, your descriptions need clarity, and your thumbnails need not to look like a frame from a hostage video. And transcripts? Yes, because some of us like to read, or can't hear, or just want to find a quote without scrolling through your entire monologue about KPIs.
Also, stop using “You won’t believe what happens next!” unless what happens next is that you miraculously learn how to do SEO.
Image SEO
Your images are bloated, unlabeled, and weirdly named. "screenshot-38-final-FINAL-v3.jpg" is not descriptive. Alt text is not optional. And if you’re using TIFF files in 2025, I don’t know how to help you. Get help. Get therapy. Get JPEG.
Want to rank on image search? Treat your images like part of the content, not random visual sprinkles. And compress them. You’re not shooting an IMAX documentary. It’s a blog.
Mobile SEO
Everyone is on their phone. You included. So why does your mobile experience look like a broken game of Tetris?
Your buttons are too small. Your text is microscopic. Your pop-ups take over the screen like a digital hostage situation. This is not user experience. This is user punishment.
Fix it. Make it readable. Make it clickable. Make it load like it’s 2025 and not 1998 on a Nokia. And yes, voice search is real. People are asking their phones everything from "best tacos near me" to "why does my dog stare at me while I sleep." Capture that traffic, weird queries and all.
White, Black, Gray, and Whatever That Smell Is
You’ve heard the terms. White-hat is slow and steady. Black-hat is fast and risky. Gray-hat is basically SEO chaos with plausible deniability. And negative SEO? That’s for the truly twisted-sabotaging others because you can’t win on your own. We see you. Google sees you. Karma is warming up.
If you want to sleep at night (or at least rank past page 12), stick with strategies that don’t scream “I’ll regret this during the next algorithm update.”
Still Think I'm Just Being Mean? Here's What the Pros Say
Look, I get it. You might be thinking, "This sounds like a personal attack." And honestly, it kind of is. But if you won’t take it from me, maybe you’ll listen to the experts who’ve made SEO their entire personality.
According to Backlinko, on-page SEO still dominates when it comes to ranking – but only when it’s paired with genuinely useful content and technical polish. So your 500-word blog post on “synergistic growth funnels” isn’t cutting it.
Search Engine Land reminds us that Core Web Vitals are now major ranking factors. So if your site loads slower than a grandma texting in mittens, you’re bleeding traffic.
Simplilearn outlines 12 distinct types of SEO, each with a role. If you’re only doing one and calling it a strategy, that’s not strategy. That’s denial.
And yes, even brand mentions without links matter now. Google's smarter than you think – it knows when people are talking about you. So if your brand is invisible, or worse, infamous for bad UX, you’re literally ranking your reputation.
This isn’t just sass. It’s science. Well, SEO science. Which is like regular science, but with more buzzwords and fewer lab coats.
If You’ve Made It This Far, You’re Already Better Than Most
Look, SEO is not witchcraft. It’s not a scam. It’s not something you do once and then forget like that gym membership you never canceled.
It’s about being useful. Being findable. Being worth the click.
So stop writing content like it’s a diary entry. Stop optimizing like it's a keyword buffet. Stop being lazy and start being strategic. Or don’t. Just don’t act surprised when Google buries your site somewhere between the bottom of the internet and your old Neopets login.
Good SEO takes skill, time, and a lot fewer bad decisions than what you’re probably making right now. If you’re serious about showing up and standing out, hire me. Let’s make your site suck less.
Stuff That Might Save Your SEO (Maybe)
Still here? Wow. Either you’re learning something or you’re hoping this ends in a freebie. Good news: it does. Bad news: these downloads might hurt your ego a little before they help your site.
Below are five no-nonsense, sass-infused PDFs designed to help you stop sabotaging your search rankings and start acting like you know what you’re doing.
(And yes, they're actually free. You're welcome.)
SEO Self-Destruct Checklist
Are you keyword-stuffing your meta titles like it’s 2006? Forgetting to compress your 7MB homepage hero image? This checklist is your wake-up call. Go through it, feel the shame, then fix your site. Or don't, and keep wondering why Google ghosted you.
Types of SEO Explained
Confused about the difference between on-page, off-page, and whatever the hell technical SEO is? This PDF breaks it all down with actual examples. Good ones, bad ones, and the kind that make your inner web developer cry.
The Ultimate SEO Copy Cheatsheet
Still writing meta descriptions like a bored bot? Stop. This cheatsheet gives you real, usable templates for headlines, CTAs, intros, and descriptions that sound like a human wrote them. A good one. Use it to boost clicks or at least stop embarrassing yourself.
A 10-Minute SEO Audit You Can Actually Understand
No jargon. No 60-page reports. Just a brutally honest checklist that shows you exactly where your site sucks. Fill it out, cry a little, then maybe send me a message when you realize how deep the problems go.
The Anti-BS SEO Glossary
Can’t tell a canonical tag from a meta tag? This glossary translates SEO jargon into normal human language with a side of snark. Learn the terms, pretend you’ve always known them, and stop nodding politely in SEO meetings while Googling under the table.